Saturday, 26 October 2013

Lesson 10: For You, Mum.

You will never read this.

So I guess this is a fruitless exercise. What is the point? 

Maybe I don't know. Maybe after ten years of saying very little about how I feel I just needed an outlet to say:

It is so unbelievably shit that you died. 

Being a mum is really bloody tough. 

I need you now. 

I long for phone calls and shopping trips and catch-up coffees. Sometimes when I see other mums and daughters out together I feel like somebody is twisting my stomach. I look away quickly, but I have seen it. It hits me. And I miss what I will never have. 

I miss what you will never have. You will never know that you are a grandmother.
"Nanny Debbie" we call you, after Henry pointed to the picture I keep of you on my bedside table and asked 'who's that?' He was delighted with the answer.

We play the 'who's at the door?' game when visitors come round. Last week, when asked 'who's at the door?' Henry replied (with a smile) "It's Nanny Debbie!"

I love him for wanting you to be at the door. But at the same time my heart broke. 

Some day soon I will have to explain why you will never pop in for a cup of tea, or pick him up to take him swimming. And why when we say we are 'going to Nanny Debbie's beach' it will be an outing to the beautiful spot we scattered your ashes.

It is all so remarkably sad.

I want you to know that I will think about you every day for the rest of my life. And I know now. How you must have felt knowing you had no control over leaving us to grow up without you. 

Because now I am the Mum. 
And though I find it a struggle I will do a fabulous job at bringing him up. That's a promise. 

After all, I learned from the best.

The Unmumsy Mum 

8 comments:

  1. This is a really touching and honest post. I hope that it brings you comfort to write about it and to keep the memories x

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    1. I have never written anything before but I think it was good for me. Thank you for reading x

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  2. So well written. My mum died at 57, in 2007. As you say, it's just unbelievably shit. It pisses me off, it makes me sad, her absence cannot be filled - that last part is the worst. The only way I know that helps me to cope is twofold. 1 - live twice as hard, once for her, once for me. 2 - use my love and longing for her and pour it into my kids. They get her hugs and kisses from me as well as their own. And I see her in my dreams quite often, that really helps. Love to you xxxx

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    1. You are spot on. I think people often don't realise the feeling pissed off bit, in amongst the loss. Thank you for reading and for your advice, it means a lot to hear from somebody who truly understands x

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  3. Wow - actual tears.
    We nearly lost my Granddad this year to cancer and I had to prepare my children for the worst - and I had to do it without sobbing, which was mega hard. BUT!!!! Hooooray, he was 90 last Tuesday and everyday I'm thanking God for him being here.
    I grew up without a mum - not because she died, she just didn't want me, so my nana & granddad stepped in. It's kind of difficult to have THAT conversation with my daughter. "How come daddy has a mummy, but you don't"?? What do you say to that?
    I feel so annoyed, pissed off and so fucking angry at my mum & dad - look at what they have missed? How could they not want to see me walk, pick me up & snuggle me - how the fuck could they not want to help me grow up and be at my wedding? I feel like this - and they didn't even try!!
    Your mum - she really, really, really should have been able to be there every step of the way and it's so unfair how shit life is sometimes.

    Always sending good wishes your way, you spoil your son every chance you get - and tell him Nana said it was ok! xxxx

    @I_AM_ELLA xxx

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  4. Wow - that totally brought a tear to my eye and put an instant lump in my throat x such a lovely, honest tribute to your mum. It is completely shit and unfair and so many other shitty words, but I'm sure it only goes towards making you an even more wonderful mummy yourself xx hope you're ok xxx sending virtual gin and hugs x

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